Sooooo. Today I’m wearing a heart monitor, which I can’t help but find disconcerting. Dr. C. doesn’t think it’s the meds because side-effects would have presented in the first two weeks and now it’s over a month.
My baseline blood pressure is low. Wicked low. Today it was “normal.” so is it elevated because it’s higher than my baseline? Or is it good that it’s “normal?”
We discussed the onset and ongoing stressors. She thinks it may be good that I was on Zoloft to alleviate the lyme-related fatigue because she thinks I may have had more “resolve” to deal with it. This is good news and I’m glad she helped me look at it more positively.
I changed into a johnny and lay down. The assistant stuck a bunch of doo-hookies to me and I had an EKG. After this, she stuck more things to me and attached a box to me. I keep kidding around that I’m an informant and am trying to get people to talk about drugs. I’m “wired.” I kid around about talking to my boyfriend and hearing his voice and maybe I should push the “event” button since he makes my heart all fluttery.
But these are my hiding places. I’m scared. And when I’m scared, I hide behind humor. This makes me appear “okay” with what ever is happening.
There’s nothing to be scared of, I don’t think. I said to the doctor, “I won’t just ‘come down’ with a heart condition because of these stressful incidents, will I?” She agreed it was unlikely and that the heart monitor is to rule things out.
I have a log to record my “events.” Today I was blown away by how many “events” there were. She told me to record anything unusual. I haven’t had the heart-pounding incidents that make me think an ambulance may be in order. But there have been 14 recorded incidents of “fluttering.” Like my heart has upped the rythmn a little and like it sang out of tune. There were a couple of dizzy spells, too. And there was chest discomfort. I’m glad the log uses “discomfort.” I may have dismissed some things that didn’t seem painful enough to be considered “chest pain.”
Half of these 14 recorded incidents took place inside of one hour. Interestingly.
I hope they figure this out. I just want to be normal. Normal. What is that, anyway?