This spring things are better in some ways, worse in others.
The Zoloft made a difference. No one was more surprised than I. I was less tired. My arms felt lighter. I wasn’t dragging my feet. Walking my son to school (4 minutes there, 2-3 minutes back …. yeah, my son stops and picks “blow flowers” and rescues worms from puddles, etc. Takes longer on the way!) wasn’t such a grueling task. I wasn’t falling asleep on the couch. I felt alive. Alive! Even my sex life was more lively.
For a couple of weeks I felt like I was on top of the world.
Tomorrow I see the doctor. Now my ticker is ticking pretty hard. Something happened (and if it was entirely my story to tell, I’d tell you … but, alas, it’s not) that caused me a lot of stress and continues to do so. The first day, my heart pounded hard and fast, and I felt nauseated. I laid down on the couch, which was effective. The fetal position more so.
These episodes have been coming and going. One such episode included severe heartburn. I never get heartburn!!! It lasted for a tormenting 30 minutes. I’ve had episodes with crushing chest pain. One instance made my left arm feel flooded with warm water; it was a peculiar sensation.
I don’t know what to make of this. I’m not ready to part with some worldly comforts such as coffee and nicotine, but fear that’s on the table (and it ought to be). I’m scared the doctor will suggest I remove myself from the stress. It’s at work. I’m scared of a lot of things.
My mom insists I should be going to the ER when this happens. It feels like going to the ER is confronting the fact that there’s a problem. Staying home and not going to the ER indicates there is no problem. I guess it’s a manifestation of my denial.
When I first started having symptoms of lyme disease, I was pretty steeped in denial. My mother had to take a picture of me and show me what I looked like. The best description would be “gray.” From my complexion to my very aura, I was gray.
Right now there isn’t anything different to see in pictures. My coloring is good. My smile may be more feigned, but it’s the same. Is it heart disease? Is it just the stress? Is it just panic attacks? Just thinking about it scares me.
I’m scared to be alone with my son. What if this happens again except it’s worse? I live alone with him. I’m making a list of phone numbers for the refrigerator. He knows my boyfriend’s landline by heart, so that’s a start. Hopefully he can use the phone. He knows how to use 911. I have to just trust the process and that what ever will be will be.
On the other hand, going to the hospital when it’s a smaller deal would be wiser. My coworker said that “brake pads don’t cost too much. Rotors cost more. At some point, you have to buy a new car. You can’t buy a new body.” She’s right.
It’s nerve-racking that other people are thinking that big about it, too.
Panic attacks. I would like to think this is what it is, but I’m such a calm person by nature. I have skills from AA in acceptance. I’m not so phobic of not having control. To me, panic attacks are the absolute loss of control and being fearful of it which compounds the panic attacks which doubles the fear of loss of control. Or maybe that’s not so simple.
Heart attacks. Is this even possible? I’m under 40. Not by MUCH, but I am. I’m 39 1/2. I could stand to lose a couple of pounds or ten. Yeah. Ten. I’m out of shape from this damned lyme disease. My blood pressure was uber low for years and may simply be returning to normal.
Maybe I’m drawn to the options with the words “attack” attached. Maybe there’s some symbolism there. I want to think the combination of meds may have kicked my thyroid up. I want to think that when the stress wanes, so will these unbearable and terrifying symptoms.
I guess I’ll have to wait and see. Lyme disease has done so much to me. It seems like a pat answer to think this fits in somehow.